Conservapedia is Hilarious

Conservapedia is a website that was shocked when they "saw" how biased Wikipedia was. It was, of course, a liberal bias. Instead of creating a website that was seen as completely unbiased, they created a site with even more conservative bias, so everything balanced out. Or something. Pretty much everyone agrees that Conservapedia isn't a very valid website in any area. In some cases, they might even make you laugh and say "This must be a joke! There's no way they believe that!" Here's a few entries that had me saying that.

"However, Charles Darwin originally based the idea of human evolution on a racist assumption, [after God was rejected as Creator], made in the late 1830s, that Fuegians (natives of Tierra del Fuego) resembled primates that he had observed in the London zoo."

A liberal (also leftist) is someone who rejects logical and biblical standards, often for self-centered reasons. There are no coherent liberal standards; often a liberal is merely someone who craves attention, and who uses many words to say nothing.

Democrats and most media outlets in the U.S. are blatantly liberal

• Liberals typically support a "mixed" economy, a policy similar to that of fascism

• Liberals claimed a monopoly on compassion, decency and social justice (as defined by themselves), posing as the sole defenders of civic virtue against a horde of backwoodsmen, racists, and religious fanatics.

One definition of liberal is anything that is not conservative. For example, the American Heritage Dictionary includes this definition of "liberal"

• Not limited to or by established, traditional, orthodox, or authoritarian attitudes, views, or dogmas ...

Unlike Christianity , which is supported by a large body of evidence, atheism has no proof and evidence supporting its ideology.

The gay life consists of immoral sexual activity, particularly homosexual or bisexual

The term "orientation" is particularly favored by those who are promoting public acceptance of homosexuality.

Is it me or is countering a website you view as biased with a website that's even more biased to the point of hilarity a really stupid thing to do?

BREAKING NEWS: Deathwing Breaks Promise On Free Ponies?!

The incredibly large and, as some would say, "evil" dragon, Deathwing, burst from the innermost layer of Azeroth this week causing effects in nearly every single zone in Azeroth. Few people know that Deathwing actually promised ponies to be given to citizens shortly after his emergence, which we have yet to see.




His promises of ponies can be seen here. His exact words are below.

"Dear Adventurers of Azeroth,

It has come to my attention that certain organizations, who shall remain nameless (Wyrmrest Accord, for one) have (Argent Crusade, too) tried to paint me (the Horde and the Alliance, come to think of it)(you know, I think pretty much everyone) in the worst light possible.

They claim that I will lay waste to Azeroth with fire and FIERY PITS OF LAVA and storms and oh-so-much mayhem and destruction.

Nothing could be further from the truth. I am not a destroyer. I am a creator. You all just happen to be standing on my canvas. I'm sure you can see that, if you just move a few hundred leagues away from your cities and towns, things will work out for both of us.

You will all see. My design is grand, the scope enormous. The world will be a much better place, I am certain, if we just tweak things a little here and there, like a few hundred thousand dragon eggs or the beaches of Darkshore. I mean, you guys wanted some water in Thousand Needles. I'm giving it to you!

If you disagree with my plans, just put a little note in the box. I'll be sure to read each and every one of them. Just don't come pounding on my door and make a mess of things. Don't send your armies against me, don't run screaming to the Kirin Tor. We can all live peacefully, together, in this great new world that I designed.

I will even give you a pony.

Now I shall take my leave of you. You have given me much in these few, short hours, including troll meat, carcasses, and the chance to sing. Until we meet again, brave souls, until we meet again.

Sincerely,
The Artist Formerly Known As The Destroyer"

He went on to elaborate on his promise shortly after

"After due consideration, I have discovered that there is no satisfying everyone with only one pony.

In the interest of everyone (and, largely, myself) I have decided to offer you a chance to discover which of my many ponies is right for you!

http://www.hasbro.com/mylittlepony/en_US/discover/meet-the-ponies.cfm

Laser eyes? Fiery wings? Molten scales? I'm sure those are in there, provided you answer openly and honestly.

Once Cat - I mean the redecorating - happens, feel free to come right to my doorstep. Just you. No friends, and certainly not the Kirin Tor. Leave your weapons at the front gate, and your precious little pony will be waiting for you just inside.

Past the FIERY PITS OF LAVA!. Don't worry about there not being enough ponies. Half of you will remain standing in the fiery pits for whatever reason while it burns you alive, screaming for a priest or something called a 'drood' to rescue you. Your safety is entirely up to you.

(For those of you here for something other than the pony or the phat lewts, such as joining my vision of a new world, please take the second door to the right. No one ever seems to come out of the other door. I'm sure it's because of the ponies. Yes, you will still get a pony of your own. It will just be cooler.)

To you that dare challenge my dreams of a better tomorrow, the only thing I can say is: You're gonna need a bigger boat. And one that's lava-proof. I don't know why the ponies won't convince you, but I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way. Besides, we all go a little mad sometimes - haven't you?

/bow

Sincerely,
The Artist Formerly Known As The Destroyer"

You know, I can forgive him for causing the massive cataclysm, killing countless citizens of Azeroth, nearly eliminating the Blue Dragonflight and trying to take over the world with brutal tactics. But lying? About ponies? DEATHWING! THIS IS GOING TOO FAR. YOU. WILL. SUFFER. I mean, why would you lie about this? Give out ponies and suddenly everybody is going to be on your side, Deathwing! Taking over the world will be that much easier! I think you know what you need to do, buddy.

Pokemon Profile Picture Month

When on Facebook you'll inevitably come across various fads. One might require you to post something as your status or change your profile pic. This month is December. What do you associate with December? That's right! Pokemon! It's Pokemon profile picture month. You change your profile picture to any Pokemon you want because that's the Christmas spirit.

I was going to set mine as Ponyta, but someone else took Rapidash and it would seem like I was copying them.
Screw you, Rapidash. Unicorns SUCK. Ponies are where it's at.

With Ponyta no longer an option, there was only one path left for me to follow.


Jesus is now my profile picture. He kicks all kinds of Pokemon ass.


Jesus: Savior Pokemon

Passive: Resurrected after 3 turns if KO'd. Then kinda leaves.


Cast First Stone: Enemy Pokemon are unable to attack Jesus for the rest of the battle.

Heal: Jesus heals himself, and all of his trainer's Pokemon to full health.

Preach: Jesus reads passages from the Bible, causing all enemy Pokemon AND their trainer to fall asleep.

Condemn: Jesus condemns enemy trainer to hell for all eternity, instantly winning the battle.

Cataclysm: The Begginning

THE SHATTERING HAS HAPPENED.

The climactic arrival of Deathwing has sundered the world, affecting all zones....Well, about half, really. Some zones are barely changed (BE, NE, Draenei starting zones) while some are incredibly changed (Barrens, Darkshore) Here's some picture of my travels.

I Am Just Adorable

I have been called adorable on many occasions. That kitten up above is also undoubtedly adorable. If you hate me, you hate kittens. And what kind of sicko hates kittens? You are just a horrible person. Get off my blog before I yell at you some more.

I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE. NOW I'M YELLING AT YOU. YOU THINK I LIKE YELLING? MY VOCAL CHORDS ARE STARTING TO HURT. YES, I'M YELLING THIS AS I'M TYPING IT. IT HELPS ME GET ANGRY. ANGRY AT PEOPLE LIKE YOU. PEOPLE THAT HATE KITTENS.

Alright. I think that scared them away. Happy Black Friday! What better way to celebrate the season of the birth of Jesus Christ than to go on a SHOPPING SPREE?!?

Thanksgiving Supports Evil Turkeys

By killing all of the good, tasty turkeys we are supporting all of the evil turkeys still at large. Don't believe me? Look at this.
If that's not proof, I don't know what is.

Happy Thanksgiving, terrorists.

I'm writing this in class!

And I'm almost fairly sure I'm not supposed to. I am SUCH a bad boy.

I'm Pretty Sure Dogs Can't play Basketball

I asked a scientist the other day if a dog could play basketball. His response was

"What? Are you retarded?"

And he wasn't so much a scientist as a guy that I randomly ran into while walking down the street. And I didn't ask him so much as yell it at him at the top of my lungs.

Either way, I have significant doubts as to whether or not a dog would be smart enough to, indeed, play basketball. The dog would either get in the face with the ball and start crying or it would bite and pop the ball. I also doubt that there's no rule that states animals can't play. If there wasn't, every team would have a bunch of T-Rexs playing basketball. Which would actually be pretty awesome.

Actually, yeah. Let's get rid of that rule. T-Rex basketball is going to be so sweet.

Jimmy's Dating Guide

Step One: Make sure to start with a joke. It breaks the ice!

Example:

"I couldn't help but notice you aren't in a kitchen making me a sandwich."

"I want to break the ice, so I'm going to hit you with this ice pick" (Taking out an actual ice pick gets you extra points)

"You looked like a dumb whore from across the room but I thought 'Eh. I'd still hit it.'"

If she slapped you/kneed you/walked away/called the cops during this step, it's really her fault for getting offended. Flip her off as you continue to find a girl that's not a bitch. (The ENTIRE time you're looking for another girl.)

Step Two:

Wait, that worked? I didn't even expect you to get this far...Well....I guess you have to make conversation now. Get to know her a bit. Ask her questions like:

"Did you know that literally anyone can be a crazed stalker!?!?"

"So how many STDs do you have? I have 3!"

"Do you have any organs you wouldn't really miss?"

"So where's the guy that drove you here? You couldn't have driven here yourself since you're a women and would have crashed the car."

"How much do whores get payed, anyway?"

If you're feeling particularly brave, tell her that a close relative died. She might break down into tears and you will be there to console her! That's "caring boyfriend" points right there. And imagine how thankful she'll be when you tell her they didn't actually die! (Note: I have yet to try this. Someone please attempt this and report back to me.)

Step 3:

Moving on with this foolproof plan, you're going to have to talk about yourself at some point in the conversation. Make things up as necessary, just make sure she can't disprove them.

Examples:

"I'm a serial killer"

"I'm a bad boy. I've been to prison 18 times! Don't worry, only 3 of those were murder.

"I lie alot."

"I only date dumb bimbos."

It's perfectly fine to lie about anything to women. Isn't i

t really THEIR fault for believing you?

Think about it. But not that much.

Step 4:

She gave you her number, and you're fairly sure it's not that "rejection hotline" you keep getting. Call the number as soon as you get it to make sure it's her number. If she asks you why you're already calling her, just say "to make sure you're not lieing to me" and then stare at her. If you can, make your eye twitch. She won't ask any questions after that.

Step 5: Second Date

You called her and, for some reason, she agreed to go out with you. You are fairly sure she has some sort of mental illness but that's right up your alley. There are many places you can take her.

The Movies: Do you want go with her somewhere but don't really want to talk to her? The movies are perfect for you! You'll both be watching the movie, so it's like she's not even there!

Romance Factor: 2

Fun Factor: 6

Comedy Potential Factor: 5

Chance she will run away screaming: 5

Chance Steve Carell isn't in the movie you watch: 1

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Restaurant: Great place, but cliche. Plus you're going to have to pay the bill since you're the man and, for some reason, that makes you the person who has to pay for things. Equality. My. Ass.

Romance Factor:5

Fun Factor:2

Comedy Potential Factor:2

Chance she will run away screaming:6

Chance she'll order the most expensive food: 9

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Bowling: If you win, you'll look like an ass for not tak

ing it easy on her. If you lose, you look like a wuss for losing to a girl.

Romance Factor:2

Fun Factor:5

Comedy Potential Factor:3

Chance she will run away screaming:7

Chance that the girl thinks that men that can bowl well are attractive: 2

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Mini Golfing: A great place for making sexua

l euphemisms. For instance: "Man, I love putting things in holes."

Romance Factor: 5

Fun Factor: 5

Comedy Potential Factor:8 (If you make the jokes)

Chance she will run away screaming:8 (If you make the jokes)

Chance she will slap you: 10 (If you make the jokes)

Chance you will make that final shot to make the game free: 0

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A Walk In The Park: Good chance to talk, but who wants to do that? You'll run out of things to talk about eventually. Wouldn't you want to save those conversations for a rainy day?

Romance Factor:4

Fun Factor:3

Comedy Potential Factor:5 ( Good chance a bird will attack you)

Chance she will run away screaming: 4

Chance she thinks you're a cheap bastard for not spending money on the date: 10

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Skydiving: If your girlfriend has a death wish (very likely if she's dating you) then this should work just fine.

Romance Factor:1

Fun Factor:7

Comedy Potential Factor: 5 (She might hit a bird or plane on the way down.)

Chance she will run away screaming: 7

Chance one of you will die: 5

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Normal Dancing: Deafening music, strobing lights that may very likely give you a seizure and a couple of people humping each other and calling it dancing! This has everything!

Romance Factor: 5

Fun Factor:4

Comedy Potential Factor: 2

Chance she will run away screaming: 6

Chance a Miley Cyrus song will be played: 10

Chance she will be impressed with your dancing: 0

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(Classical) Dancing: If you want to give the impression that you're smart and cultural, then give up. We all know you're not.

Fun Factor:1

Comedy Potential Factor: 1

Chance she will run away screaming: 1

Chance either of you can tango: 0

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Play Video Games: If you find a girl that plays video games, it's likely a man in disguise. Knee them and test their reaction. If it is actually a girl, keep her forever.

Romance Factor:1

Fun Factor: 9 (For you. Likely 1 for her.)

Comedy Potential Factor: 6 (10 if you're playing a game with friendly fire)

Chance she will run away screaming: 6

Chance she actually likes video games: .1

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Your next Dungeons And Dragons game: Are you seriously considering this?

Romance Factor:1

Fun Factor: 1

Comedy Potential Factor:1

Chance she will run away screaming: 1

Chance she's actually into D&D: .1

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Your next KKK meeting: That's even worse!

Romance Factor:1

Fun Factor:1

Comedy Potential Factor:1

Chance she will run away screaming: 9.9

Chance she's black: 5

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Your next Nazi Association meeting: Seriously! Stop!

Romance Factor: 1

Fun Factor:1

Comedy Potential Factor: 1

Chance she will run away screaming:9.9

Chance she's Jewish: 7

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Your next NAMBLA meeting: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY WOULD YOU EVEN CONSIDER THAT?!?

Romance Factor: 1

Fun Factor:1

Comedy Potential Factor: 1

Chance she will run away screaming:10

Chance you're a pedophile: 10

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Step 6: Kissing

I have no idea what it's like to do this, but I've h

eard good things. I'll coach you through this one.

You stare into each other's eyes. No words can describe the feelings that permeate the area. Which makes writing about it somewhat ironic. No words need be said. You both lean close to each other and...

Did you just miss?!

How can you miss? She's, like, right there! I mean, you were WAY off! Just totally missed!

She giggles. Alright. She thinks it was a joke. She's clearly not that bright. You once again lean close to each other and....

You trip and accidentally headbutt her. You're fairly certain that you broke her nose. She's crying rather loudly. Frankly you think that that's a li

ttle over-dramatic. It's just a nose. Mostly just cartilage. You vaguely remember people fixing broken noses in movies by just twisting the nose back in place.

You overdid it. Now it's broken the OTHER way. She starts crying even more. It's starting to get irritating. You lean close to her ear and say "People are staring..."

She runs away from you, still crying and bleeding profusely.

She, surprisingly, calls you the next day and apologizes for overreacting.

Step 7: Marriage

Whoa. Wait. Are you actually thinki

ng about marrying her? I'm not going to judge, but she's an idiot!

First thing you're gonna need is a ring.They say you're supposed to spend 3 months salary on it, but I think 3 days will do. How expensive can they be? I suggest getting a mood ring. First, they're cheap. Second, they're cool to look at (It changes color!). Third, if you get in a fight and your wife refuses to believe that she's overreacting, you can just point at the mood ring and show her how angry she is. She'll apologize and your marriage will be saved.

Whatever you get, you need a unique way to pop the question. Here's just a few of many ways.

*Get one of those guns extend a flag instead of a bullet. Wait until she wanders into a dark alley. Pretend to mug her, threatening her with the gun. And when she least expects it, BAM! Fire the gun, and the flag with "Will You Marry Me?" written on it will appear before her very eyes! She will surely remember this for the rest of her life, regardless of her answer.

*Write "Will you Marry Me?" on a wall in her house in blood that you "borrowed" from a hospital.

*Carve the question in your leg.

Did she say yes?

Wow, really?

I can't believe she did. She said yes. Just need a moment for it to set in.

Well, I suppose we have to set up the wedding. Or make her do it. That sounds easier. Let's do that.

____________________________________________________________

It's the big day. You even bought a second mood ring to put on her finger! I'm so proud of you! I don't think I should walk you through this final step in your relationship. It's all up to you! Go get 'em champ!

Oh right. Before you start do you wanna get in this betting pool? Me and the guys have started a pool on how long you guys are gonna last before you get divorced.

Alright, stop yelling. Forget I said anything.

I Hate Children.

Just look at them. They're creepy. Just staring at you with their beady little eyes and judging you. Who knows what they're thinking? Do they think they're better than you? I sure do.

Whenever children are around, I go into a fetal position and start. Do you know what the children do? They laugh. Laugh at my misery. They then start mocking me by attempting to scare me. I can still hear their little evil shouts of "Boo!" followed by maniacal laughter. Do they think that someone easily twice their size crying in a corner because of them is funny?

Not to mention babies.



That picture scares the crap outta me. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?

Babies are so selfish. "I need to be fed", "I need to have my diaper changed", "I need to be taken away from this fire". It's all "me me me" with them. Would it kill you to ask how MY day was for once? Could you just make dinner for yourself once so I can relax? I think I deserve it with everything I've had to do for you. STOP BEING LAZY.

Llllllet's get ready to...Date?

I am what's known as a "stud muffin"

STOP LAUGHING I AM

And yet I constantly find myself in a perpetual state of being single. I can only assume this is because girls don't believe themselves worthy of dating such a sexy specimen as myself.
That's pretty close to what I look like. So it's understandable how nervous you girls would be, really.

I will make numerous promises to help you be more comfortable:


I will not set you on fire that much

I will wear a shirt to cover my bulging muscles. It will be like they don't even exist!

I will always be there for you unless I'm somewhere else

I will not punch your friends unless they tick me off

I will not break these promises unless I want to

Ball's in your court, ladies.

This is Squirtle

This is Squirtle. Squirtle sucks. Nobody likes Squirtle. Not even his mother. Not even with sunglasses. Squirtle is part of the mafia. Nobody likes the mafia. If you support Squirtle, you support the mafia. Ponyta would kick Squirtle's ass. Ponies have every advantage over turtles. This advantage trumps the Water> Fire advantage. Because Ponyta is a pony. And on fire. Squirtle is a turtle. That's not on fire. Instead he's blue. Blue instead of on fire. Squirtle is boring. Squirtle can suck it.

Wait, are you actually reading this?

Seriously? You're actually reading this? Man, you have problems. I have no idea why anyone would want to read anything I wrote, which is somewhat odd considering I (1) started a blog and (2) am considering becoming a writer. I mean, what I write is SO GOOD that it would make everyone else weep when comparing it to their own writing skills. Crying is generally a bad thing
Of course if someone you don't like is crying, that tends to be a good thing. But only if you're a sadist like me.

This is Ponyta

This is Ponyta. Ponyta is awesome. Do not question Ponyta. Ponyta will set you on fire if you disagree with Ponyta. Ponyta is a pony. That's on fire. Everything is better when on fire. Never question this. Or Ponyta will hunt you down.

What the Hell Do I Put Here?

So. This is a thing. Yes. Definitely. It's a thing. Looks just like one.

Sure is a lot of space. Wonder what I'm supposed to do with it. Put words there? That's stupid. I think pictures would be more appropriate. They take up more room and less effort since I don't really have to make them.

Sure is great to have pictures. I still think there's too much room.

There we go. Putting in the middle of the page really looks like I'm lengthening the post. I like that. Pictures, keep it up and I might just have a promotion for you.

Anyway, this site is a thing. A cool thing. I know it's cool since it's associated with me and anything associated with me is automatically awesome. At least that's what I think. And my mom once told me that I shouldn't care what other people think.So I don't. Their opinions are practically non existent to me. Things like "Fox News couldn't have invented cancer" or "That's the worst idea ever" or "DEAR GOD THIS HURTS" don't even register. Unless they're praising me. In that case, their opinion matters the most.

On an unrelated note:

So join me on a wondrous ride of feeding my ego, posting my completely valid opinions (Paris Hilton is a whore) which will probably last a month when I forget this site ever existed.