Step One: Make sure to start with a joke. It breaks the ice!
Example:
"I couldn't help but notice you aren't in a kitchen making me a sandwich."
"I want to break the ice, so I'm going to hit you with this ice pick" (Taking out an actual ice pick gets you extra points)
"You looked like a dumb whore from across the room but I thought 'Eh. I'd still hit it.'"
If she slapped you/kneed you/walked away/called the cops during this step, it's really her fault for getting offended. Flip her off as you continue to find a girl that's not a bitch. (The ENTIRE time you're looking for another girl.)
Step Two:
Wait, that worked? I didn't even expect you to get this far...Well....I guess you have to make conversation now. Get to know her a bit. Ask her questions like:
"Did you know that literally anyone can be a crazed stalker!?!?"
"So how many STDs do you have? I have 3!"
"Do you have any organs you wouldn't really miss?"
"So where's the guy that drove you here? You couldn't have driven here yourself since you're a women and would have crashed the car."
"How much do whores get payed, anyway?"
If you're feeling particularly brave, tell her that a close relative died. She might break down into tears and you will be there to console her! That's "caring boyfriend" points right there. And imagine how thankful she'll be when you tell her they didn't actually die! (Note: I have yet to try this. Someone please attempt this and report back to me.)
Step 3:
Moving on with this foolproof plan, you're going to have to talk about yourself at some point in the conversation. Make things up as necessary, just make sure she can't disprove them.
Examples:
"I'm a serial killer"
"I'm a bad boy. I've been to prison 18 times! Don't worry, only 3 of those were murder.
"I lie alot."
"I only date dumb bimbos."
It's perfectly fine to lie about anything to women. Isn't i
t really THEIR fault for believing you?
Think about it. But not that much.
Step 4:
She gave you her number, and you're fairly sure it's not that "rejection hotline" you keep getting. Call the number as soon as you get it to make sure it's her number. If she asks you why you're already calling her, just say "to make sure you're not lieing to me" and then stare at her. If you can, make your eye twitch. She won't ask any questions after that.
Step 5: Second Date
You called her and, for some reason, she agreed to go out with you. You are fairly sure she has some sort of mental illness but that's right up your alley. There are many places you can take her.
The Movies: Do you want go with her somewhere but don't really want to talk to her? The movies are perfect for you! You'll both be watching the movie, so it's like she's not even there!
Romance Factor: 2
Fun Factor: 6
Comedy Potential Factor: 5
Chance she will run away screaming: 5
Chance Steve Carell isn't in the movie you watch: 1
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Restaurant: Great place, but cliche. Plus you're going to have to pay the bill since you're the man and, for some reason, that makes you the person who has to pay for things. Equality. My. Ass.
Romance Factor:5
Fun Factor:2
Comedy Potential Factor:2
Chance she will run away screaming:6
Chance she'll order the most expensive food: 9
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Bowling: If you win, you'll look like an ass for not tak
ing it easy on her. If you lose, you look like a wuss for losing to a girl.
Romance Factor:2
Fun Factor:5
Comedy Potential Factor:3
Chance she will run away screaming:7
Chance that the girl thinks that men that can bowl well are attractive: 2
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Mini Golfing: A great place for making sexua
l euphemisms. For instance: "Man, I love putting things in holes."
Romance Factor: 5
Fun Factor: 5
Comedy Potential Factor:8 (If you make the jokes)
Chance she will run away screaming:8 (If you make the jokes)
Chance she will slap you: 10 (If you make the jokes)
Chance you will make that final shot to make the game free: 0
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A Walk In The Park: Good chance to talk, but who wants to do that? You'll run out of things to talk about eventually. Wouldn't you want to save those conversations for a rainy day?
Romance Factor:4
Fun Factor:3
Comedy Potential Factor:5 ( Good chance a bird will attack you)
Chance she will run away screaming: 4
Chance she thinks you're a cheap bastard for not spending money on the date: 10
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Skydiving: If your girlfriend has a death wish (very likely if she's dating you) then this should work just fine.
Romance Factor:1
Fun Factor:7
Comedy Potential Factor: 5 (She might hit a bird or plane on the way down.)
Chance she will run away screaming: 7
Chance one of you will die: 5
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Normal Dancing: Deafening music, strobing lights that may very likely give you a seizure and a couple of people humping each other and calling it dancing! This has everything!
Romance Factor: 5
Fun Factor:4
Comedy Potential Factor: 2
Chance she will run away screaming: 6
Chance a Miley Cyrus song will be played: 10
Chance she will be impressed with your dancing: 0
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(Classical) Dancing: If you want to give the impression that you're smart and cultural, then give up. We all know you're not.
Fun Factor:1
Comedy Potential Factor: 1
Chance she will run away screaming: 1
Chance either of you can tango: 0
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Play Video Games: If you find a girl that plays video games, it's likely a man in disguise. Knee them and test their reaction. If it is actually a girl, keep her forever.
Romance Factor:1
Fun Factor: 9 (For you. Likely 1 for her.)
Comedy Potential Factor: 6 (10 if you're playing a game with friendly fire)
Chance she will run away screaming: 6
Chance she actually likes video games: .1
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Your next Dungeons And Dragons game: Are you seriously considering this?
Romance Factor:1
Fun Factor: 1
Comedy Potential Factor:1
Chance she will run away screaming: 1
Chance she's actually into D&D: .1
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Your next KKK meeting: That's even worse!
Romance Factor:1
Fun Factor:1
Comedy Potential Factor:1
Chance she will run away screaming: 9.9
Chance she's black: 5
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Your next Nazi Association meeting: Seriously! Stop!
Romance Factor: 1
Fun Factor:1
Comedy Potential Factor: 1
Chance she will run away screaming:9.9
Chance she's Jewish: 7
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Your next NAMBLA meeting: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY WOULD YOU EVEN CONSIDER THAT?!?
Romance Factor: 1
Fun Factor:1
Comedy Potential Factor: 1
Chance she will run away screaming:10
Chance you're a pedophile: 10
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Step 6: Kissing
I have no idea what it's like to do this, but I've h
eard good things. I'll coach you through this one.
You stare into each other's eyes. No words can describe the feelings that permeate the area. Which makes writing about it somewhat ironic. No words need be said. You both lean close to each other and...
Did you just miss?!
How can you miss? She's, like, right there! I mean, you were WAY off! Just totally missed!
She giggles. Alright. She thinks it was a joke. She's clearly not that bright. You once again lean close to each other and....
You trip and accidentally headbutt her. You're fairly certain that you broke her nose. She's crying rather loudly. Frankly you think that that's a li
ttle over-dramatic. It's just a nose. Mostly just cartilage. You vaguely remember people fixing broken noses in movies by just twisting the nose back in place.
You overdid it. Now it's broken the OTHER way. She starts crying even more. It's starting to get irritating. You lean close to her ear and say "People are staring..."
She runs away from you, still crying and bleeding profusely.
She, surprisingly, calls you the next day and apologizes for overreacting.
Step 7: Marriage
Whoa. Wait. Are you actually thinki
ng about marrying her? I'm not going to judge, but she's an idiot!
First thing you're gonna need is a ring.They say you're supposed to spend 3 months salary on it, but I think 3 days will do. How expensive can they be? I suggest getting a mood ring. First, they're cheap. Second, they're cool to look at (It changes color!). Third, if you get in a fight and your wife refuses to believe that she's overreacting, you can just point at the mood ring and show her how angry she is. She'll apologize and your marriage will be saved.
Whatever you get, you need a unique way to pop the question. Here's just a few of many ways.
*Get one of those guns extend a flag instead of a bullet. Wait until she wanders into a dark alley. Pretend to mug her, threatening her with the gun. And when she least expects it, BAM! Fire the gun, and the flag with "Will You Marry Me?" written on it will appear before her very eyes! She will surely remember this for the rest of her life, regardless of her answer.
*Write "Will you Marry Me?" on a wall in her house in blood that you "borrowed" from a hospital.
*Carve the question in your leg.
Did she say yes?
Wow, really?
I can't believe she did. She said yes. Just need a moment for it to set in.
Well, I suppose we have to set up the wedding. Or make her do it. That sounds easier. Let's do that.
____________________________________________________________
It's the big day. You even bought a second mood ring to put on her finger! I'm so proud of you! I don't think I should walk you through this final step in your relationship. It's all up to you! Go get 'em champ!
Oh right. Before you start do you wanna get in this betting pool? Me and the guys have started a pool on how long you guys are gonna last before you get divorced.
Alright, stop yelling. Forget I said anything.
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